12th January ~ something I wrote yesterday

Here is something I wrote yesterday.  Just sat down and wrote when I was in the midst of feeling sad about everything (and feeling sorry for myself) which Jakey dying made even more melancholy.  It's not edited (much).

~

I dreamed that you made it up the stairs
and when I saw you climbing up, I felt stricken
that we’d agreed to have you put to sleep

When I woke up
the meows I thought I heard
were pushed away to dusty corners
in favour of reality

the here and now
grey sadness
for which words are dull and stupid

I want a big ball of clay
to mould and squidge into your shape
and cover with fur
and leave a hollow inside for a small motor
for your purr

because what good is it
to write or say
things that can never be
can’t make you come back
bringing warmth again
under our fingers
scratching between your ears
can't make anyone
or any time
come back

What good are words now

when

I want to go to the beach
and eat fat salty chips
that grow cold while the wind
whips my hair and face

I want to make a cake
moist and dark and rich
make it xmas again
poured with cream
twinkling with lights
before anyone left or had to go

Since I woke up to not find
our cat who is still our cat
coming up the stairs
I’ve fed salty yoghurt to Jake
watched trains on youtube
cleaned shit off the toilet bowl
knelt to pick up crisp shards
and fingernail crescents
and dirty tissues
from an overturned bin

and

swam on a blue fleece sea
dried off on a red duvet beach
treated zombie wounds
launched rockets made of plastic bottles
ate soup prepared by a king
with a grey felt beard

while on 6music
a DJ with only one name talked
about everything in a tone of constant
enthusiasm
about The Cure and Primal Scream
playing Bestival

and I hated her
because she wasn't faking it
she really could be happy
about a festival in September
as if all the time between now
and then are bright pebbles
to skip upon
across a clear stream

I eff and blind
because I will not be the kind of person
who wants to look forward to something
that far into the future

while now

words are beached
and flapping for breath



and yet

I’ve abandoned the zombie hospital
and my son shouting for cuddles
to come down here
to push one letter next to another
asquickasIcan
like something important depends on it

Words are useless
Leave me alone

Words are useless
Hold on