Picture a flame running along a mile of fuse to dynamite. That was my day. Jake didn’t want to go out and I didn’t insist. Instead, he pushed his doll pram around, played with food-coloured ice cubes and poured water on the kitchen floor while I made lunch. Then we painted and it was fine till I decided to take pictures. My refusal to hand the camera into his paint covered hands didn’t go down well. Then he had a mini nosebleed. And he ate chocolate out of the bin. There were two buttons left in the packet we threw away the other day. They were still in the packet and it wasn’t our manky kitchen bin, but still. Even if I am slightly impressed at his ability to find chocolate. He was hungry and instead of telling me, he went looking for chocolate. Chocolate I didn’t even know we had. Did he learn that from me?
Then I wasn’t able to get him down for his nap. Until late afternoon, his energy was quietly focussed. Then it tipped over. By 8pm he was overtired and spent two hours crying and resisting sleep. I lost it and threw things then hid in the bathroom. Jake didn't see the throwing but he came after me crying “Where Mummy gone?” and I shouted that I was fucking off and leaving. Nice one Tammy. I barely even felt anything. Is numb fury an emotion? Luckily Paul stepped in. And told me what I needed to hear.
1 comment:
Hugs Tammy.
Numb fury is definitely an emotion - when I was in the pits of despair with my PND last year it was what I felt the most. Completely detached from what was going on in front of me, knowing I shouldn't be shouting at a tiny baby about crying while I was changing his nappy, but furious that I couldn't do it fast enough to pacify him.
There is no such thing as restraint in those circumstances, it just comes, takes you over, then goes. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
Tons of love xxxx
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