28.7.10 ~ 235 word diary (the things we do not know)

 

After a break last week, I returned to my “excavation” today. Yesterday I was telling Paul how I thought having counselling would be about having someone objective to talk to. I thought I knew myself pretty well and didn’t see how a stranger could know more or help me much beyond listening.

But since it began, I’ve realised I don’t know myself as well as I thought and there are many things I don’t understand. So I’m having to put myself entirely into someone else’s hands, trusting someone again for the first time in many years. I told my counsellor this and she asked if it was hard to do. In fact, it’s easy. It’s easy to trust her because I know where she stands. My relationship with her is safe. It’s hard knowing that, that my other relationships do not feel safe in comparison. It’s hard admitting it, because it sounds so irrational. And because it goes so deep I can’t see how it’s going to come good. But that’s also about trust. Letting go of needing to know how it will work and trusting in the process. No matter how blurred and fuzzy things seem right now.

After our recent frenetic, people-filled holiday, it was lovely to have just Jake’s company again today. When other people are around I feel like I lose my connection with him. It was comforting to get it back.