Wednesday, October 31, 2012

All change

So Jake started school, and just like that, it's half-term.  I was going to write a post about autumn and use the earth's graceful way of dealing with change as a lesson in wisdom to apply to my own life, but I couldn't even get myself dressed this morning - I pulled a muscle in my hip, apparently from sleeping, so I'm having to set my sights a little lower today. 

Here is one half-assed attempt at autumnal poeticism though...try not to blink or you might miss it...

Ah autumn...the ground is aflame with leaves, we are wearing our red winter coats, the conkers are lovely and shiny, and it is now possible to persuade Jake to get ready for bed by 6:30pm!  Seriously though, I've been looking forward to half-term.  I've been trying to enjoy the time to myself while Jake's been at school, but, no matter how chaotic, I miss him when he's not around.  His exuberance about everything, his gorgeous little face, his complete readiness to give me a kiss and a cuddle whenever it's needed.  He's also given my life an intense purpose for so long that I'm finding things without him...well...odd.  Am I still a mother if he's not around?  If I'm not then why aren't I doing something useful?  And if I am then why aren't I doing something mother-ly?  Then there are the questions..."What are you going to do with yourself now that Jake's at school?" and "When are you going to go back to work?"

I wish I had ready answers to those questions, ones I could dole out with a witty ha ha to cover up the anxiety of not having had that sorted out already.  But, for the moment, I can't, so it's a relief to have Jake back with me for a bit, to fill the days with chaos and familiarity and cuddles on-demand again, and to deflect any annoying questions with his inappropriate cheekiness which he can still get away with because he's cute..."Hey fatty boom boom, give us a banana!" and "Have you got a vulva?  I'm gonna call you Vulva Guy!"

Now if that doesn't win me some sort of parenting award, I don't know what will.

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