Sunday, January 31, 2010



More baking. Blueberry muffins with a cinnamon crumb topping. There was topping left over so I had to make a pear and banana crumble. And another white loaf. P’s Mum had to be rushed to hospital last night. She’s on chemotherapy, has pneumonia and had trouble breathing. I spoke to her last week, she never mentioned the chemo or being ill. Just said she was a bit tired and wished me a happy birthday. Four days till Jake goes in. Need to refashion some onesies so they can be put on over his IV lines, otherwise it’s the hospital gown.

Saturday, January 30, 2010


One of Jake's wind up turtles, sitting on the cover of a book.


Been cooking up a storm the last few days. Made chocolate chunk cookies on Thursday. Then a fresh white loaf, Turkish red lentil soup and roasted aubergine yesterday, and a smoked mackerel and rice dish with peas, curried crème fraiche and peas today. Paul made spinach and green bean fritters and soya bean, spring green and mushroom curry with brown rice. Jake’s been trying all of it. So far, my white loaf is his favourite. And the cookies of course. One thing to look forward to post-stoma is being able to make him oatmeal cookies with raisins, among other things.

Friday, January 29, 2010

60/100 ~ Love week giveaway # 5

So this is the last of the giveaway drawings.  If you would like any of them, please leave me a comment for the drawing that you like.  If there is more than one comment for any drawing, I'll pick a name out of a hat at random.  I'll do the "draw" on the evening of Monday 1st February. 


Jake’s reversal has been confirmed for 5th February. Posted this on Facebook and received congratulations. One person even said Lush. I’m not ungrateful and I know people mean well, but congratulations just seem entirely inappropriate right now. But then again, maybe that’s what I get for using Facebook to talk about such things. Still, I say save the congratulations for when he comes out, completely recovered and well. Not for now, when we know what’s ahead, what we still have to go through, what he has to go through. We will hope for the best but prepare for the unpredictable.

I’ve never had surgery, but for Jake, this will be the second time. He’s only 18 months old. We are told that in the best case scenario, he will be in hospital for a week. I am fully expecting it will be longer.  This may sound negative, but we never expected what happened to Jake to happen in the first place.

We also met other patients on Jake’s ward when he was recovering last time - patients who had to keep returning to hospital throughout their young lives for problems that kept occurring despite surgery. We even met someone whose troubles began after her stoma was reversed. She’d been in hospital for months and the surgeons were still clueless as to why.

And then there’s the fear that we’ll lose Jake completely. It shouldn’t happen, it’s a routine procedure and he should come through it fine, but a lot of things should never happen. Lately I’ve been hearing too much about children dying. I fear it will happen to Jake. I know it’s not rational, but I’ve spent most of my life losing people, as if I was careless enough to let them slip through my fingers. 

If I heard someone else say this, I’d be telling them not to worry, that of course it won’t happen. That it’s important to stay positive and look forward to Jake’s recovery and life after that. And I will. But for now, this is what I'm feeling. And I just need to say it.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

How to really love a child

Just saw this on Marvelous Kiddo via Everything Fabulous and had to share it, seeing as it's love week and all...

59/100 ~ Love week giveaway # 4


More rummaging around in boxes upstairs confirms my love of notebooks. All of them partially filled. A lot of them with crap. But I uncover a few gems. A magazine with Tilda Swinton on the cover and featuring off the wall writing. Two poems I put together in my writing group days using glue and cut up words. And a short story I wrote entitled Rick Moody Did It First. My take on a story of his called Primary Sources which is basically a heavily footnoted list of books. Once again I discover why writing is so important to me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

58/100 ~ Love week giveaway # 3

And a mention on the Hundred Days site for little ole me!

Dream journal

Playing with Jake today in our currently unused attic bedroom full of clutter, I found a journal amongst a pile of old magazines, booklets from art exhibitions and other papers. It was a dream journal.  I’d started keeping it a few years ago. Unfortunately there were only a few entries. But as I re-read them, some of the images from the dreams came back to me very vividly, as vividly as a memory of a real event. Others I couldn’t remember at all and read like someone else’s account of things I never experienced. Still, I’m glad I wrote them down.  And confirmed to me the value of keeping a regular diary. I will definitely be starting up the dream journal again. 

Here’s an extract from one of the entries from July 2007:

“Dreamt Paul and I went to Thailand. It was brighter, cleaner and sparser than the real place. We were walking somewhere and reached a square. It was very bright. There were people milling about and a line of soldiers in Thai military uniform were lined up on one side of the square. They got on their knees, aimed and fired. As they fired, the people looked shocked and ducked. I started to duck too, then I noticed that instead of bullets, salt or rice seemed to be hitting one man in the chest. A moment later – everyone “unfroze” from their positions and the soldiers were saying “Well done, you acted really well” and people were smiling and tapping each other on the back, congratulating one another for doing such a good job at playing dead. It was as if it was a game that the people who lived there knew about. But to me and Paul, we thought it was real.”

27.1.10 (and footnotes)

While I was cooking, Jake disappeared into the living room with a muffin tray and a glass of orange juice. Some time later, he reappeared with wet dungaree legs, softly saying “Uh oh”. As I predicted, he was informing me of a spillage. I told him it was fine, covered it with a cloth and returned to the kitchen. He followed, holding the muffin tray partly filled with orange juice. As he put it on the floor, he spilled some. Without my asking, he ran to the living room, retrieved the cloth and wiped up the spill in the kitchen.
This moment filled me such pride and affection for Jake. A few hours later, the immediacy of it had passed. Even as I was retelling it to Paul, I wasn’t able to do it with the intensity of the feelings I had then. But maybe writing it down to be rediscovered later will bring some of that back. Otherwise, these little details could so easily be forgotten.

There were other moments too – asking Jake to bring me the blue cloth and he trotted off and brought me the right one. Then his refusal to let me use the cloth to wipe up more spillages so I pointed to them and asked him to wipe them and he did, with great efficiency and gusto!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

57/100 ~ Love week giveaway # 2

Inspired by the work of Lotta Jansdotter


I’d forgotten how good a decent night’s sleep can make you feel. Sleep has been tricky lately for all sorts of reasons, but last night was good. I actually woke up feeling happy. And the sun’s out too. It’s staying light later, and every now and then I catch a glimpse of the coming of spring and I forget the pall of gloominess that has become most of my personality of late. I don’t know what the gloominess is about and I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’ve made perfect welsh rarebit muffins – please please like them Jake!

56/100 ~ Love week giveaway # 1

So I didn't realise until yesterday that Josie had declared this week "Love Week".  It started last Friday.  I didn't want to give it a miss completely so I'm going to spread the love by giving away the drawings that I'm doing for the remaining days of Love Week, starting from yesterday's, no. 56, and finishing this Friday with no. 60.  I'm going to make them slightly different, drawing them on luggage tags so they can be used as bookmarks or gift tags or unusual door knob embellishment - whatever tickles your fancy. 

If you would like any of the giveaway drawings, please leave me a comment.  If there is more than one comment for a drawing then I will pick a name out of a hat.  I'll do the picking for all the drawings a day or two after no. 60 has been posted.

And if you have any requests, now would be the time to give me a shout.  Cheers!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Come back sunshine...

We haven't had more than a few hours of sunshine in the last couple of weeks.

I miss the light.


Jake started screaming at 3am. We’ve never heard him cry like that – eyes closed, sounding terrified. He kicked his legs and struggled so hard, but screamed even louder when we put him down. Then he opened his eyes, pointed to the bathroom. It seemed odd, but I took him in there and let him hold the bottles he asked for. It calmed him. I’m also quite sad to receive only three cards for my birthday this year. First time ever not to get one from Mum & Dad. Skype and the internet are great, but sometimes technology isn’t an advancement.

Sunday, January 24, 2010



It occurs to me for the first time in my life that birthdays may be more important to our mothers than to us. I can’t remember what I did for most of my birthdays, but my Mum will always remember giving birth to me as I will always remember the day I gave birth to Jake. Mum & Dad sang Happy Birthday and presented me with orchids via Skype. Also got some boots and books, and a cheeseburger and fries with homemade garlic mayo at Gourmet Burger Kitchen. After all the concern of finding somewhere child-friendly, Jake sleeps through lunch!

Saturday, January 23, 2010


Little felt horses from my nik-nak box.


At one of my yoga classes Hayley said, we can’t wish away our injuries and pains. We’re not perfect and we need to work with and through our limitations. This works well with my wrist, but is harder to do with the melancholy that hits me every year around my birthday. Paul was asking what I wanted to do tomorrow - I couldn’t think of anything. For a few hours I was so convinced that nobody cared that I was determined to be miserable. Then I went to yoga and came home cheerier and chomping on a chocolate chunk cookie.

Friday, January 22, 2010



I scared Jake today. He was screaming so hard when I was putting him down for his afternoon nap that I gave up, took him out of his cot, and put him on the floor saying, “Fine, do whatever you want!” He immediately stopped crying and just stood there, not knowing what to do. Then he fetched his bucket of balls, wanting me to play, but I was so tired and upset, I just ignored him. Then he made a whimpering sound and it hit me – how small and dependent he is and what a complete tit I was being.

Thursday, January 21, 2010



Still Walking, Saltimbocca, Torta di Ricotta, and a restful night’s sleep later, woke up to a smiley Jake. Despite that I was enjoying a lemon and poppy seed cupcake when he woke me, we were much happier today. He ate loads. The sun came out and we went to the playground to chase bubbles. Even when some kid stole Jake’s ball and his Mum just watched and as he ran off with it, saying to Jake, “NO, it’s not your ball!” Jake was gracious as always. So many gorgeous smiles today, and even a 140 gram increase at his weigh-in.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Bloggers for Haiti

If you'd like to do something for the people of Haiti, please consider giving a donation here on Just Giving.  Bloggers for Haiti was set up by English Mum to raise money for shelter boxes.  To date, over £3500 has been raised in just over 3 days!  Each shelter box will provide a tent, valuable supplies like a stove, thermal blankets, mosquito nets, water purification tablets and basic tools along with a children's pack of drawing books, crayons and pens.  Any donation, no matter how small, goes a long way.  Don't think you can't make a difference. 



Had the morning from hell. Barely slept last night and Jake woke an hour earlier than usual and spent most of it screaming. He was hungry but wouldn’t eat, tired but wouldn’t sleep. He wanted me to hold him, but as soon as I picked him up, he struggled and pushed to get away. As soon as I put him down, he’d scream to be picked up. He’d point to something then throw it away. Some of it was tiredness, but also teething. He’s finally napping and I’m looking forward to a much needed movie & dinner night out tonight.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Funky vision

Playing with our 3D Doodle Kit

Mummy's little helper

You make the sauce and I'll cook the pasta, deal?

Look, I'm sorting the laundry into helpful piles!


Halfway through!  I've have been wondering how doing these drawings is making me a better person.  I'm learning.  I'm learning that taking just 10 minutes a day to do something like this does make a difference.  I'm learning to let go and accept what comes and not judge myself in terms of the quality of what I'm producing, but being in the process and enjoying it.  I'm therefore learning to be kind to myself, at least in this one aspect of my life.  I'm feeling a part of something, have a sense of purpose and enjoying the sense of community that I've discovered since starting this journey.  And it's all making me a happier person.  And a happier me makes a better me.  Now I just have to ask the people around me if they agree!


Dreamt we had adjoining rooms with President Obama, with an opening in the wall. He was sitting, suited, on his bed, looking through notes when Jake ran in and tried to climb onto his bed. I held Jake back, explaining who it was. I said, “I’m sorry Mr President.” He didn’t reply. Made a wholemeal loaf for the first time as I was getting frustrated with floppy store-bought bread. It came out great. And a lovely vegan chorizo and bean stew with savoury tomato rice. Also found glasses I’ve been missing for 2 years. My vision is crystal clear now.

Monday, January 18, 2010



We had 36 hours without a bag leak. Spoke to stoma nurse and she’s sending us special bags that might help. There’s also a possibility that Jake’s reversal will be on 5th February, but it’s to be confirmed. In the meantime, Jake’s been getting more wilful and monkey-like. He’s into pouring and playing with water and insists on holding open glasses, cups and bottles of liquid on his own. Sometimes he drinks, often he simply pours all over the floor or carpet. Tantrums ensue if we try to stop him. Luckily, they don’t last long and sometimes he even listens.


What can I say?  I've been nominated for a sunshine blog award, not once, but twice!!  I'm touched and overcome with giddiness!  Thanks to the lovely Sparklepetal and wonderful Skip at Skippedydoodah, I can proudly display this on my blog....

And I get to nominate 12 other bloggers too.  I'm going to pick the blogs I visit all the time - you all inspire me and enrich my life in one way or another!  In no particular order:

Shadows and Clouds - wide-eyed wonder and tales of a beautiful life in Italy and beyond.

Changapeluda - one of the strongest, boldest, most creative and inspirational people I've had the pleasure to connect with, Changa is a wonderful Mama and Jake's fairy godmother to boot.  If it were a perfect world, we would have grown up together and be living next door to each other with our angelic offspring.

Milla on The Milky Way - stunning photos and heartwarming adventures of a gorgeous mama and her beautiful girl.

Carrot in Mum's Hair - the thought-provoking, enjoyable, well-written blog on motherhood by a fellow baby led weaner.

My name is Beth - a fellow participant of the 100 days project whose to-do list for the project is awe inspiring!  Oh, and did I mention she's also an amazing Mum to gorgeous little J-cub. 

The Tangled Yarn - another 100 day project participant who's been wonderfully supportive and whose projects have inspired me to make changes of my own. 

The Yellow Lamp - another 100 day project participant who's daily drawings I always look forward to.

100 days, 100 firsts - yup, another 100 day project participant whose adventurous undertakings are all about what's possible, and lots of fun too.

Bird Ahoy - simply beautiful!  I've been following Lesley's blog for yonks now and have learned a lot from her.

Kaija at Paperiaare - as a notebook and paper fetishist, I was thrilled to stumble across Kaija's blog a few years ago.  She makes exquisite works of art and posts lovely photos too. 

Pablo's Kneepit - sadly Pablo has disappeared from the blogging world for a while now, but I was an avid follower of his adventures with potatoes, festivals and the search for his Mama. 

And last but not least, I know you've already been nominated Skip, but I was gonna nominate you anyway!  So here goes, to Skip - a Supermum to the beatific Moomin who gets more done than anyone I know!  She knits, she sews, she cooks and bakes, she writes, she makes everything that can possibly be made and she's funny.  And I don't mean funny in the head.

There you go.  Please feel free to display the above sunshine award on your blog and nominate your own favourite blogs as well.

Sunday, January 17, 2010



It’s getting ridiculous. In the last 24 hours, we’ve had to change Jake’s bag four times. The last two leaks happened while he was asleep. We caught one at midnight, and then it leaked again sometime between 3:30 and 8:30am. It was a major leak, Jake woke up with his torso covered in poo. It had leaked through his clothes and sheets. It didn’t wake him so he’d slept in his own poo for hours. It distresses me that we didn’t notice, even though we were sleeping in the same room. Paul and I are fraught with worry and fear.


Saturday, January 16, 2010


This week I made foccacia and lightly spiced tomato cous-cous muffins, both for the first time. I also switched from butter back to dairy-free spread. I’ve noticed that I tend to eat about half any pieces of toast I make cos Jake chomps half of it, and I mostly eat the crusts because he doesn’t like them. We’ve also been drinking our juices diluted for months and I’d forgotten what normal juice tastes like. Jake’s appetite has been low for weeks and we haven’t had weighed since before xmas. He looks bony again, but he has definitely been getting taller.

Friday, January 15, 2010



I’ve never read The Diary of Anne Frank. I caught a film, Freedom Writers, the other day where troubled high school students were reading it in English class and were so inspired, they invited the woman who hid Anne to speak at their school. It was based on a true story. She really visited them and spoke about how she wasn’t a hero, but just an ordinary woman who did what she thought was right, and how we all have the capacity to do that, and therefore be “a small light in a dark room”. The power of doing right.

Thursday, January 14, 2010



We’ve had 3 bag changes in 12 hours, last one at 4am. But, we managed to do it without waking Jake, including changing him into a clean sleepsuit. Lately, when Jake’s back molars hurt, he asks for his toothbrush (by putting his fingers in his mouth and moving them from side to side). He then chews on it till the pain passes. He can now climb up and down the sofa by himself. And trick Mummy when playing catch by asking for a cuggoh as a distraction tactic and then running away when I go to hug him! Crafty monkey.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Not that I want to be known as the shoe girl, but since I'm drawing every day objects around me, I can't avoid drawing shoes!


Looking through a recipe book last night, I had a mini-epiphany and embraced the whole vegan thing as a positive choice for our family, a creative advantage even, rather than a hindrance. Remarkable what a change of attitude can do. I also felt much more positive and upbeat about everything else – about being a stay at home Mum, even about having another child if that happens. A friend wrote recently that happiness is a choice. I agree. The grind doesn’t have to be that way. With mindfulness, it becomes the present moment and the choice to be awake and alive.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


12.1.10 ~ Choices

Today's diary entry is a little longer than 100 words.  I had a lot more to say.

Some days, the grind gets to me. Repeatedly clearing up the same messes, going through the same actions, spending my time in the same four rooms. Emptying Jake’s bag, doing laundry, and most of all, wracking my brains as to what to feed Jake. What with Paul being vegan and Jake not being able to eat so many things because of his stoma, not to mention his lack of appetite and going off a lot of things he used to love, cooking well requires a lot more motivation and imagination than I usually have.

And yet, even the thought of going back to work feels completely wrong. Picking Jake up from his nap this morning, I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking the time to just hold him and let him stare at whatever he wanted to stare at before hurrying on to the next thing that needed to be done. He’s usually very grumpy when he wakes up and just needs to be held until he’s ready to get on with his day. Would even the nicest, kindest childminder take the time to do this, if they have other children to care for? It’s these little details that could easily get overlooked, but which I believe are important. And how could I bear to spend three whole days away from Jake, knowing while I stand making a cup of tea in the office kitchen that I’m not going to have a little warm bubba rush up from behind to grab my legs in a boundlessly joyful hug.

I’ve also settled into a certain pace and rhythm that I prefer to the fast pace of city life. Even though I’m not in a high flying, high stress profession, just getting on the tube, working in town, being in a busy office – all of that takes you to a different place. It requires a great deal of practice and effort to settle into yourself. It makes you tired, stirs up your mind and scatters it, sucks you into busyness, always needing to relax but not quite being able to. Being at home, even with the grind and the loneliness, brings me closer to who I really am. But every day, I prevaricate. I go from wanting to go back to work and immediately back again.

And then I think about our having another child. When Jake was in hospital, we both felt that we wanted to have another. And a big part of me still does, and there’s no reason why we physically couldn’t, but when I hear about other people’s second pregnancies, or second babies, I just feel so sad and jealous and angry and depressed all at once. Because I don’t think I could cope. I’m not being modest either. This doubt comes from a place of painful self-awareness. Both of my own limitations and the fact that I do not have any sort of family or other support network close by to provide the sort of reliable, practical help that is needed to bring up a child, especially more than one child. Although Jake is an absolute joy, bringing him up is a struggle because apart from Paul, I feel like I’m doing it on my own.

And yet, if we don’t have another, (and I’m going to be 38 in less than two weeks), will it be too late? Will I regret it?

Yesterday I wrote a list of all the things I’ve lost (inspired by the Naomi Shihab Nye poetry book I’m reading). It included all sorts of objects, especially hats. And many people. But the thing that struck me the most as I was writing was this: possibilities. In making certain choices, we naturally close the door on a vast number of other possibilities. That’s why choosing can be so painful. But if we don’t actively choose, then maybe we run the risk of losing what really matters, or having nothing but regrets.

Enjoying these...

We just received these...they are exquisite!  I'm so happy my bubba loves his books.

Monday, January 11, 2010



Jake’s bag leaked three times since 2am, leading to two bag changes in 11 hours. We usually change it every other day. Lately his stoma is prolapsing, or falling in. This is normal as he grows but causes more wear on his bag. Another unexpected complication. Happy Jake moments outweigh them though – he fed himself all of his cereal with barely any spillages. I found one of my boots in the kitchen cupboard. He spontaneously put his arms in the air and started spinning round. Paul wondered where he learned it from. I think spinning is in every child’s blood.

what have you lost?

I'm reading this book of poems at the moment.  It makes an unexpectedly welcome change to reading fiction.  A change of pace, a change of rhythm, a deepening.  Like stepping into a large space and hearing everything settle into silence. 

Sunday, January 10, 2010



Went shopping in town on my own for the first time since I became a Mummy! Predictably, I didn’t find any trousers that looked normal on me. But I did come home with some new cardigans and jumpers from the H & M sale – all grey and purple. Noticed that every other person is wearing a downfilled puffer style coat with faux fur-trimmed hood. I’d wanted one too, what with all the cold weather, but the more people I saw wearing them, the less I wanted one. Fashion has that effect on me. The freeze is starting to thaw anyway.

Saturday, January 09, 2010



Got back to yoga today after a three week break. Worked out a lot of tension and got a bit of my soul back. I love it when Hayley does “heart work” (which isn’t as new agey as it sounds and works at relaxing the tension between your shoulder blades). I’ve been realising lately that I’ve developed A LOT of flab around my middle. The other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, looking about 5 months pregnant. I’ve never dieted in my life but will probably have to start soon. I can’t go on like this.

Friday, January 08, 2010



Skype video called Mum & Dad today. So easy and clear!! They got to see Jake and I got to see their faces. It made me feel less alone in the world. Paul took the day off to play in the snow so play in the snow we did. It was too powdery for a snowman so he and Jake made a snow mound. I finally cleared the kitchen drawers of junk. Hundreds of rubber bands, odd screws, bits of string and old receipts. Also reorganised my art boxes. And just overheard, “I find your smooches immature!” Ah, The Simpsons.

Thursday, January 07, 2010



Snow has turned to ice. We are down to the last pack of baby wipes, squeeze of toothpaste, carton of soy milk, two slices of bread. The friend I’d been upset with apologised and we’ve been emailing, but something’s changed for me. She reminded me that she’s done a lot of kind things which I shouldn’t forget. But I just want people in my life I can rely on. I think I deserve that. Another friend wrote to say she’s feeling utterly lost. Maybe it’s the sign of the times. Maybe we are all disconnected. Maybe we are all lonely.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010



After at least 8 hours of constant snowfall, it’s finally stopped. I had a chance to take Jake out in it earlier. He loves snow! We called on Elena too. She wasn’t allowed out to play but Jake decided to invite himself in so the two played together happily for a while. Apart from Ivy saying that I should teach Jake to say Mummy (like I haven’t been trying!) and that maybe he prefers Paul and that’s why he says Daddy (?!), it was a nice visit. Later, I made a perfectly smooth and creamy cheese sauce from scratch. Woo hoo!

Mummy Jake

One of the presents I got Jake for xmas was a doll.  He always plays with at least one doll when I take him to playgroups and I didn't see why I should deprive him of one just because he's a boy.  We rationed his xmas presents so he wouldn't feel overwhelmed getting them all at once.  That way, xmas lasts for ages!  Here's my little boy being a good Mummy to his dolly.  I know she looks a bit creepy and very pink, but he loves her anyway! 

For those of you who might be feeling nervous at the sight of a boy playing with a pink doll, do not fret.  His very last xmas present which he'll get this weekend is a good old solid boy's toy - a wooden train set.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010



What happens to a smell when you can no longer smell it? Does it change into something else, or just disappear? And taste? Marmite from a plastic squeezy bottle does not taste the same as it does from a glass jar. Why? The light bulb in our living room has gone again. That’s the second bulb in a week. Damn dimmer switches. It’s nearly dark now and Jake’s going to think it’s time for bed! He’s got an upset tummy and low appetite again. I want to make a cheesy tuna pasta bake but I’m not sure he’ll want any.

Monday, January 04, 2010



One of my favourite moments of every day: Jake asleep as I cradle him, just before going into his cot for his nap. Also: when he runs up to me and hugs my legs. He’s been super clingy lately, wanting to be held all the time (sticks his arms up, says “cuggohs!”). I can’t stop thinking about his next hospital stay. I know it won’t be till February, but I can’t look anywhere without seeing it. We also received a lovely xmas parcel from Na with a gift for each of us, and I heard from an old friend (yay!).

Sunday, January 03, 2010


This time I tried to draw Jake from life.  I did it blind contour in a few minutes and he moved a lot, so the result is...chaotic!


I washed and changed all our bedding today. King-sized duvet covers, double sheets and pillow cases are drying on all the radiators, making the flat smell of Fairy non-bio fabric softener. There’s something about fresh bedding that is both comforting and refreshing. It did me good as I’ve been acutely aware of being miserable and giving off negative vibes. Maybe I’m sliding into a depression. Maybe I just need to get out more, see more people, get a change of scene. Jake is always a breath of fresh air though. My jolt of love and happiness. Especially when he smiles.


Saturday, January 02, 2010


Went with Paul to buy his first ever suit. At the age of 42, he’s coming to this rite of passage rather late in life, but he’s never desired nor needed one before. An ex-anarchist punk who used to live in a squat doesn’t scream suit and tie. But now he’s a manager and has to go to big-wig meetings. And he looks great in one! Unfortunately Jake woke up screaming in the middle of BHS while Daddy was picking out shoes. Now we’re waiting for chips, made in our newly purchased deep-fat fryer. We’re still working class at heart.