The Scintilla Project ~ Day 3

A memory triggered by a song

Whenever anyone asks me a question that requires me to pick a particular song / book / film, my mind always goes blank.  When I first saw this prompt, I tried to think of a song, any song, to see if it triggered any memories, and I couldn’t.  I went to my shelf of CDs (yes, I still have CDs!) and tried picking some out at random but the ones I got also produced blanks.  Now, a few days later, I remember a song that will always have a particular association with it.

It was June 1985, I was 13.  We were living in Damascus.  It was the last day of school and I was going to the end of year “graduation” dance at the American International Community School I went to.  I was gawky.  I wore white sandals with white socks to the dance.  I had braces and no notion of what it meant to be cool or graceful.  But I did have a boyfriend, my first.  Willem – my best friend’s younger brother.  We’d gotten together, after my friend acted as go-between, about a week or so before the dance.  But being the kind of kids we were – geeky, bookish, shy and awkward, we’d spent most of our time together being geeky, bookish, shy and awkward and had not, much to my friend’s dismay, even come close to a first kiss.  The physical contact we’d had was limited to a few slow dances – you know, the kind where you dance so far apart, you could fit another person in the gap between us.  There was a lot of looking at the floor and after the music stopped, an almost immediate withdrawal, as if our parents had caught us doing something naughty.  But that all changed the night of the dance. 

It started as most of our school dances did – boys and girls not really mingling, lights and music blaring, chaperones on watch.  But then something changed.  I can’t remember why, but there was a very distinct moment when it felt as if we’d been left to our own devices.  The room went dark and they started playing slow songs.  When the first few chords of Purple Rain started, Willem asked me to dance.  I don’t know if it was because it was dark or because it suddenly felt as if we were alone or because he’d been under his sister’s instructions, but this time, there was no space between us.  I can remember those minutes so well, the way the room looked and felt, the way his arms felt around me, the warmth between us, the frantic beating of his heart and mine.  During that song, we had our first kiss, the very first kiss either of us had ever had.  It wasn’t what I expected, I’d never heard of a French kiss and had no idea what to do with his tongue in my mouth, but it was warm and soft and sweet and because they played the full 8 minute plus version of the song, it was long and lingering and it seemed like we melted into each other.

We got better at the kissing.  Over the next 10 days or so that we had left together, we went to a lot of parties.  We were teased by our friends for being the sweetest, most “stuck together” couple in school.  It was even better because it was all so innocent.  We were just two kids who really liked each other.  There was no malice, no jealousy, and despite the shyness, no fear.  There was also no pressure.  Except, that is, for mortality and transience and everything coming to an end and life being completely out of our control. 

At the end of those 3 or so weeks we had together, his family went away on vacation and mine got ready to pack up and move on.  My father was being transferred again, this time to Israel.

While Willem was away on vacation with his family, I remember trying to pick out a card to send him, from a hotel gift shop.  It was one of the few places you could find things like greetings cards in Damascus at that time.  I couldn’t find one in English, but there was one in French.  It was blue and had a cartoony white rabbit on it and inside was written Je T’aime.  I blushed at my boldness, it felt so utterly serious and daring for me to give such a card to a boy.  I didn’t know if I meant it or not and yet, I didn’t want to leave without saying something.  So I sent it to him.

We didn’t see each other over the summer but my Dad had to go back to Damascus briefly before school started so I arranged to meet Willem at a hotel pool.  I wasn’t sure if he’d still care anything for me and a big part of me had already become detached. I was already in that all too familiar place of limbo-numbness.  But when he saw me, he gave me a present.  My first from a boy.  It was a tiny silver heart, with a leaf over the top and the “evil eye” in the middle.  In the Middle East it is considered a charm to ward off evil and bad luck.  I remember receiving it with little emotion.  I didn’t know what it was supposed to mean and even if it meant something, I didn’t know what I could possibly do with it since we would probably never see each other again. 

At the time, I didn’t consciously perceive this and I certainly didn’t allow myself to feel anything about it, but looking back on it now, I remember my reaction was one of painfully absent emotion, perhaps a bit like a rabbit in the headlights.  Willem wasn’t detached though.  His face, when he gave it to me, was lit up, full of warmth.  It didn’t seem to matter to him that we weren’t going to see each other again.  It was probably the purest expression of simply, wholly giving, with no agenda, no expectation of anything in return, that I can remember being on the receiving end of and it makes my heart ache for the girl that I was then, not knowing what to do with such a beautiful gift, except put it away in a box.

I’ve been given jewellery since, but it’s not something I’m fond of.  I never wear any jewellery, I just don’t like the feeling of having anything around my wrist or my neck or even on my fingers.  And it’s never really taken my fancy.  I’ll go wild for a good book or a beautiful poem but pearls or diamonds do nothing for me.

Recently though, while reading Hemingway’s Across The River and Into The Trees, I came across a scene between the two main characters where they talked about how neither of them were showy people who cared to dress up or have things like jewels to draw attention to themselves but they wanted to give one another something solid, something solid and beautiful that, when touched or seen, would give the other happiness, because it would remind them of each other and how much they were loved.  I suppose this is the real reason behind gifts of jewellery, or any gift really, and yet it struck me as if I’d never known this.  So much of this seems to be lost in gift-giving these days I think, but that scene made me remember Willem’s silver heart.  Suddenly it seemed very important that I find it, see it, hold it in my hand again.

I knew where it was, in a small wooden box packed away in a cardboard box, behind some other cardboard boxes somewhere up in the attic room.  But I dug it out.  I shifted a chest of drawers, opened boxes, unearthed memories, forgotten books, letters, half-filled notebooks, photos.  And finally, the small wooden box.  Willem’s heart was still there.  And when I found it, I was overwhelmed by emotion.  As if all the emotion I couldn’t feel then had finally found its voice.  Willem and I never saw each other again but the 13 year old girl inside me could finally receive her gift, wholly and simply given, still present and powerful after all these years.

Am I growed up now? ~ The Scintilla Project, Day 2

When did you realise you were a grown up?

On my 12^th birthday, I wrote a poem for my parents entitled Response-ability.  It was all about the wonders and virtues of being, you guessed it, Responsible.  I recited it for them while they were eating dinner.  They gave me glowing reviews.  I thought that would make me happy.  I just felt sick. 

When I was 17, my father travelled to London with me and then onwards to Staffordshire, to deposit me at University.  He was supposed to stay for a couple of days to help me settle in, then fly back home to Israel, where he was based at the time.  On the day we arrived, it took a lot less time to get me registered and into my accommodation than we expected.  A few hours after I arrived on campus, my bags not yet unpacked, not yet having met anybody on my corridor or seen a potentially friendly face, my Dad announced that if he left straight away, he could catch a train back to London in time to get an early flight back to Israel the next morning.  I’d been looking forward to having dinner with him at least, had been hanging on to a last Chinese meal, just me and my Dad, before I had to face this whole new life on my own.  But I couldn’t say anything.  He wanted to leave.  So I let him.

I’m 40 now, and a mother.  I think that’s supposed to make me a grown up.  When I’m watching cbeebies with Jake and the presenters are using scissors or putting something in an oven or elaborately painting something plastic with PVA glue and leaving it to dry, we are told that this is when a grown up is supposed to help.  Sometimes I forget that I’m the grown up.  Other times, I feel a vague sense of panic and then reassure myself that it is okay – in this instance, grown up means someone with advanced motor skills. 

I got a letter from a friend today.  She wrote that I seem to have flowed into motherhood really naturally and asked if that was how it felt to me.  I laughed.  Because the image of motherhood that I had before Jake arrived is so different from what it feels like.  When things are going well, when Jake and I are in tune and connecting, when it all flows, is when I feel least like I imagine a grown up is supposed to be, and most like a child – or at least, most like the way Jake is a child – open, spontaneous, trusting, joyful, but with (marginally) better control over my digits and limbs and the ability to get things out of high cupboards.  When things are going badly, when I am stressed, angry, tired, irritable and unable to connect and go with the flow, I also feel like a child, the child that I was back then.  Not the well-behaved, obedient, responsible child that made my parents so proud, but the one underneath – the silent, thwarted, lonely one. 

When I was pregnant, we moved house in my third trimester – a month before Jake was due.  I’d already decided I wanted a home birth and the midwife I’d had up to that point had been supportive.  But moving meant registering with a new GP, meeting a whole host of new faces involved in my care.  I’ve blogged about it here, so I won’t go into the details again, but I was faced with a lot of hostility when I asked for a home birth.  I was feeling very vulnerable and angry that I was not getting the care I wanted.  I did not want to be doing research on maternal death rates due to post-partum haemorrhaging when I was 38 weeks pregnant.  I went into high-functioning responsible mode - I spoke to lots of people, asked a lot of questions, remained calm while a junior Doctor who really should have been in a boy band told me that the risks were too high.  All the while there was a part of me wishing someone else could deal with it all while I hid under my duvet until it was over.  Then it hit me that it was entirely up to me.  I had to speak up for myself, I had to make the decision and believe in it.  I had to believe in myself.  This baby was going to come out of ME.  Could I do it?  Did I have it in me?  That question had never been so crucial.

Two days before Jake was born, it clicked.  I was flooded with a complete and very physical belief that everything was going to be fine.  I could feel it in my body.  I was undeterred in this belief and everything went smoothly.  Jake was born at home after a 7 hour labour.  I didn’t bleed to death and we didn’t have to see the inside of a hospital.  I could say that the moment I made that decision, I was being a proper grown up, perhaps for the first time in my life.  But to me, it felt like an act of grace, a gift from something, somewhere bigger than me.  Either that, or super kick-ass hormones.

~

For more on the Scintilla Project, go here.

Red Lentil Pancakes

Oops, scoffed most of them before I remembered to take a sexy food photo...

Yesterday, I made red lentil pancakes for the first time.  I adore red lentils and these were the easiest pancakes to make ever...if you don't count the time needed to soak the lentils (overnight) and then carefully blend them in the world's tiniest food processor.  I was worried they wouldn't set and fall apart, I was worried they would burn - these are the things that usually happen when I make pancakes.  But no - they were perfect.

I liberally adapted this recipe and made my batter with chopped onion, garlic, tomato puree and paprika instead of the suggested ingredients and I used good ol' sunflower oil instead of coconut oil.  They were delicious.  The possibilities are endless.  Today I chopped up sundried tomatoes and ham and added them to the batter.  Yum yum.  The only thing I'd do differently next time is use less salt.  They are wonderful served with ketchup, or mango chutney, but I really wished I had some sour cream.

Enjoy!

The Scintilla Project ~ Day 1

Who am I?

I am full on fried chicken and rice fried with aubergine and cherry tomatoes.

I am sitting on a hip that’s out of balance.

I am alone in the house, except for Yoshi the cat, because my son is at his Dad’s tonight.

I am writing by hand again, sending letters to friends and postcards to strangers.

I am finding out what friendship really means. 

I’m discovering more than I’d like to, about what isn’t enough.  But it means I’m learning to recognise what is.

I am learning to play the ukulele.

I’ve just learned that I’ve been spelling ukulele wrong.

I am starting yet another project. (It's ok, this one is only for a fortnight).

I am being frightened by a small child I used to know.

I am trying to be kind.

I am trying to live with the following suggestions:

-         stay open, no matter what

-         always cultivate a joyful mind

-         no blame, be kind, love everything

(I think they all sort of mean the same thing)

I like stripey socks.

I am 40, but I still find farts amusing.

I am meeting several of my online friends next week, our first time seeing each other face-to-face.

I have stretch marks around my belly button.  They are in the shape of a flame.  But I refuse to call them tiger stripes.  I don’t need anyone to look at them and see tiger stripes.  I know what they are.  My skin's memory of the weight of my son.  My life's greatest privilege.  They are what they are.  Even when I wiggle my wobbly belly and they look like a flickering fire.

My son is my biggest supporter.  And he calls marshmallows smarshmallows.  His Dad taught him that.

I may not jump out of airplanes but I take risks, all the time.  I may seem quiet, but my heart roars.  (Yeah, writing that made me cringe a little.  But I'm also trying to make friends with the things that make me uncomfortable.)

Come roar with me.

~

This post was written as part of The Scintilla Project, which I first read about in Elizabeth's Marie's fantabulously beautiful post.

Here's some love...

No matter what state your life is in, there is always love.

"Judge nothing, you will be happy.  Forgive everything, you will be happier.

Love everything, you will be happiest." - Sri Chinmoy

"...no blame, be kind, love everything - always." - Terrance Keenan

 

And you can always teach yourself the ukelele!

Letting others speak for me

It's not cos I'm being lazy, honest.  Still haven't gotten round to writing the blog posts I had planned, but here are a couple more quotes I'm trying to live by ~

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi

"As people who want to live a good, full, unrestricted, adventurous, real kind of life, there is a concrete instruction we can follow: see what is.  When you catch yourself grasping at beliefs or thoughts, just see what is." - Pema Chodron

Expose yourself

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."

~Pema Chodron

This rocks

Sometimes, something manages to cut through all the clever sounding crap you tell yourself, and the illusion that wanting to be a better person than you are is enough to make you that person, and makes you shut up and listen to what's really going on.

That's all I wanna say right now.

A month of letters

I read about this challenge and have decided to take part.  I've always loved writing letters and receiving them.  Even if people don't reply, I don't know anyone who doesn't appreciate receiving a handwritten letter or something personal in the post. So, here's a chance to get back into it again.  I think writing a good letter is as much an art as writing a good poem or story.  So, for almost every day for the month of February, I will be writing a letter and sending it to someone by snail mail.  I already have a list of people to write to (basically all my friends for whom I have a current postal address), but if you'd like to receive a letter, email me your address (heartfulblogger at hotmail dot co dot uk) and I'll add you to the list!

Do you fancy joining me?  I promise to reply to anyone who writes to me, even beyond the month of February.

What happens when you're busy making plans...

A yoga pose known as Upside Down Monkey

So yeah, those blog posts I had planned, still not written.  And not likely to be written anytime soon.  So in the meantime, I leave you with this gem ~

"Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

Hello

I've got a few posts brewing, but in the meantime, here's a little hello and Happy New Year to you all...

Inspired by Hokusai.

New Year's Eve

If you're going to say anything at all about New Year's Eve, it's best to do it like this...the gorgeous Zooey Deschanel sings with Joseph Gordeon-Levitt...

Or, like this...

Whatever you're up to, remember this: lighten up, breathe, enjoy.

Fire, flames and invincible summers

A couple of weeks ago, I adopted Laura Veirs' song July Flame as a sort of personal anthem for the season.  Whilst the world around me seemed to be revelling in snow and jingle bell tunes, I had an unashamed longing for summer.  I really took the song to heart and found it a great comfort.  And then, inspired by the song, I made this...

I don't know what to call it.  It's round so maybe a mandala.  Or a solstice light catcher.  Or a paper cut.  Or all three.  Why not.

Since then I've also been stumbling across this quote by Albert Camus: "In the midst of winter I finally learned that there is within me an invincible summer."  The few times I did stumble across it, I read it and my heart sank.  My reaction was, "Oh, I wish."  I then had quite a hellish few days.  But, long story short, I came out through the other side and even found some contentment, some joy bubbling up out of nowhere.  That's for another post, but last night I remembered that Camus quote and thought - yes.  I found my invincible summer.

And then I saw that my friend over at Lickety Split posted this.  I love that poem.  I remember that it got me through some brutal fucking heartbreak about 10 or so years ago.  This is a photo I took during that time...

"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire." 

So there you go.  Walk well.  Mind how you go.  Happy Solstice.

"The wisdom of no escape" or how a jam tart saved me

So you might have noticed that December has been a hard month for me.  It hasn't all been bad.  There have been ups as well as downs.  And those ups have been pretty good while they lasted.  But I thought they would help make the downs suck less.  They don't.  Having ups even gave me a false sense of security.  Just when I thought I was getting through the worst of things, just when I thought I'd already hit my low point and was now coming out the other side, something happened to wallop me and make me see that there's always somewhere lower I could fall to.  It made me remember that quote I blogged about a few weeks ago - "Abandon any hope of fruition."  Not because I was feeling particularly morose and hopeless (ok, I was) but because there is a truth to it.

It may seem contrary to all your survival instincts and it hurts like hell, but when you are at that point when you feel there is nothing left to hold onto, when you feel there is no choice but to let go, when grasping and resisting and holding on - to anything - is so painful, you have to stop, that is the point at which things can start to turn around.  And the hardest part: there's nothing you can do about it.  Whether you resist it or welcome it - you can't make it happen.  All you can do is be through it.  Just be - when each minute feels like an hour and each hour feels like a year and each breath feels futile.  Resisting makes it worse.  I don't know what welcoming it does because I've never been able to do that.  But I imagine it could make it worse too - like the anticipation of an eagerly awaited visitor who is delayed, and delayed some more and delayed some more and you go from being angry at them to wondering what's happened to them to fearing the worst, to trying to bargain with whatever force you might suddenly decide to believe in just to make things ok again, until you reach the point where you give up because they're not coming and you wonder what you've done to deserve this.  And then they show up.

But life goes on.  And they leave and may not show up again and the whole cycle begins anew.  The only thing you have control over is trying not to escape.  The only thing you can do is to be there, wherever there is.

One of my low points this month was when a batch of jam tarts failed.  Go ahead, laugh.  Yes, I cannot bake without swearing, but this was monumental.  Things didn't actually turn out alright in the end.  I was making them for a community centre fundraiser.  I'd spent two hours making the damn things from scratch.  But I made a mistake and that mistake made itself clear all over my beautifully rolled out pastry.  I overfilled the tarts.  When I pulled them out of the oven, it looked like there had been a jam explosion.  I lost it. Obviously it wasn't just about the tarts.  But they tipped me over the edge.  I behaved just like a two-year old and had an almighty tantrum.  Afterwards, the tarts were still ruined and nothing had changed.

Something happened to me then.  Something in me cut off.  I didn't notice it straight away, but when I woke up the next morning, I realised that I felt numb.  Like there was a glass wall between me and the world.  I didn't feel anger or pain anymore, instead I just felt nothing.  A dull nothing.  That distressed me, but even that sense of distress was dulled.  I hadn't felt, or not-felt, this way for a long time.  Something sank in me.  I remember that the last time this happened, it went on for weeks.  I tried to prepare myself for it, to prepare myself for having to live like this.  All the things that seemed important, all the things I'd hoped to do, hoped to achieve, it all went out the window.  I knew I wouldn't have the energy to even try.  I knew that trying - to do anything at all - but especially to make me feel better - would only make it worse. 

I was standing in my kitchen.  Some of the ruined jam tarts from yesterday were still on a plate on the counter in front of me.  I went to throw them away and noticed that one of them was a lemon curd one.  I'd really wanted to try them, I hadn't had lemon curd for years.  So I took a bite.  The pastry still had a crunch to it, but also a buttery softness.  The sweet tangy lemon burst on my tongue.  The combination of the pastry and the lemon curd was exquisite.  For a few moments I forgot about everything but those tastes on my tongue.  Then I looked up and noticed the blueness of the sky and the outlines of the starlings on the roof opposite.  The sound of their calls hit my ears like I'd never heard them before.  Then I noticed that the glass barrier was gone, the dullness had lifted.  I'd been pulled into the present moment by my senses.  Nothing special, just tastebuds.  But I could feel again.  And I felt very fortunate. 

Of course things weren't all fine after that.  I've been sobbing for the Olympics for much of this week.  And each time, I felt better after.  But that's not the end of it.  Of course it's not going to be all bad.  But things will never be all fine either.  The point is there is no real escape.  So maybe, if you can let go and manage to be present, be mindful, pay attention, wherever you happen to be, maybe you'll find that there is also joy.  Even in the midst of all the crap.

The Spirit of Christmas

I've been wanting to write a post about the C-word for a while.  I'll 'fess up right now and say that it's a hard time of year for me and the things that usually help me through life's hard times just don't work.  (And that's code for, I become a miserable, morose grump.)  It happens every year but it always hits me as if it's brand new.  The fact that it happens in winter as well is just a happy coincidence.

Because my family is scattered between two continents and most of my closest, oldest friends are living in other countries, this time of year always emphasises and heightens the distance and aloneness that, at other times, I am able to tolerate and cope with.  The last two years have been unexpectedly bearable cos we had some lovely neighbours over on Christmas Day.  They were also far from their own families and we got on well.  But they moved away this year.  Plus, this is gonna be the first time trying to negotiate Christmas as a "broken family."  Even without that though, I think it is a hard time for a lot of people, for all kinds of reasons.  But there is a prevailing sense that you're not supposed to talk about that.  What you're supposed to do is put on your false cheer face and grin and bear it.  Otherwise people call you Scrooge or a Grinch or take delight in shouting Ba Humbug! at you.  And it's supposed to be funny.  Well it isn't.  And sometimes, even when I try my damndest, it don't help.  Today for instance, I actually woke up chirpy.  Yes, you heard right. I woke up positive and determined to make the most of things.  Then I took Jake to Sainsbury's.

Christmas is a whole 9 days away, and yet, people are out shopping like the apocalypse is coming.  Sainsbury’s on a Thursday morning is not normally rammed.  Today it was.  After managing to manoeuvre Jake in the buggy, laden with a basket and carrying a 20 litre bag of cat litter past ridiculously long checkout queues populated with the most sullen people on earth, I get to the relatively clear self-checkout area, and wait behind the person who is just finishing off their checking out.  I’m just about to plonk the massive bag of cat litter on the little shelf next to the check out I’m about to use when a woman holding three small (not 20, 10 or even 1 litre) bags of vegetables and who had just gotten in the queue behind me, plonks them there instead. 

“I know you’re ahead of me in the queue," she said, "I just want to put my stuff here.”


For the purposes of veracity, I'd just like to point out that she is no older than me, able-bodied and in possession of both her arms and all her digits.  Anyhooooo....

She then turns to my gobsmacked face, frowns and says, “What?  I’m not trying to cut ahead of you, I just want to put my stuff there.”

I said, “Yes, I was just wondering where I’m going to put MY stuff.”

“Well," she said, "all you had to do was say if you want to put your stuff there, why do you have to make that face?!” !!!!!!!

I surprised myself by saying, “Because I have feelings and don’t like being harassed.”

She then put her hands on her hips and said, “All I wanted to do was put my things there, you don’t have to make that face at me.”

I’m not a fan of confrontation.  Plus I was sweating and knackered and my arm was about to fall off from holding the fucking giant bag of cat litter.  I didn't have the energy for a pointless argument so I decided it would be easier to join another queue.  I started to do so and she actually HAD A GO AT ME!

“Hey, I told you I didn’t want to cut in front of you, I just wanted…”

So I snapped.  “Look, I don’t need this right now okay?  I have a child in a buggy and heavy shit to carry so please, go ahead, put your stuff there.  I’m going to join another queue.”

As soon as I did so, the bleedin’ woman grabbed her three bags of veg in a huff and buggered off.  

The moral of the story is, (cos don't Christmas stories always have to have a moral): Sometimes, even when you get what you want, you still ain't happy.  And that just about sums up Christmas.

There are 10 days to go till it's over.  Will there be a happier ending to this story?  Anything could happen, but don't hold your breath.  And let's not forget the delightful arse-twitchery of New Year's Eve to look forward to. 

If you were looking for something more warm and fuzzy, you can try the usual channels.  There's more than enough of that stuff out there.  <Ba Humbug>

December

You know when you're all cranky and ranting, say about Christmas, and what you really need is simple kindness and understanding, not advice, not patronising, not judgement?  Well I'm fortunate enough to have a friend like that in my life - who, upon hearing of my ranting crankiness, immediately wrote to me, understanding what was beneath it all and knowing exactly the right thing to say - sending me the kindness I didn't even know I was looking for.  Along with a link to this beautiful song and the exhortation that I am "stronger than December."  Thank you.  You know who you are.

How to be out of your comfort zone

I've been going through some stuff lately that I'm sorry to be cryptic about, but it's safe to say that I'm so far out of my comfort zone I don't even know where it is anymore.  I feel like I'm walking around wide open and vulnerable, with my heart in my stomach and my stomach on the verge of spilling out of my mouth.  It's scary and it hurts but you know what, it's also thrilling and oddly right. Because shutting down and being closed off is worse.  It might feel less chaotic, you might even be more able to pass as a normal functioning member of society, but I'm not so interested in that these days. (And to those of you who've gingerly suggested that I try counselling - it's ok - I'm not gonna break if you're honest with me and it's ok, I'm already in counselling.)  Plus, I'm like maybe growing and shit?

So I alternate between grinning like a fool and wanting to curl up in a ball under my duvet, or wanting to go climb a mountain (or a wall) and wanting my Mum (you know, in between changing nappies, clearing out the litter tray, making jam tarts and generally being at the beck and call of a "tiny overlord").  I'm listening to music and poetry when I can, the latter of which consoles and terrifies me in almost equal measure.  Three times this week I picked up a book, read a poem and found myself in tears at the end - gut-wrenching, sobbing tears.  And when a friend hinted that I too might feel grief, I became indignant, took umbrage with being patronised, ranted and then realised she'd hit a nerve.  Oops.  But I'm here.  I'm trying not to escape, trying not to push the feelings away or bury them, which is what I usually do.

So how am I doing it?  Like a wriggly worm.  But here are some of my guides:

"Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news." (because it's an opportunity to wake up) - Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

"Hold your beliefs lightly. ~ Sometimes our very human desire for meaning, can get in the way of having a good experience of the world." - Grayson Perry

(I'd go a little bit further and say that our very human desire for certainty can get in the way of having a true experience of the world, good or bad, happy or sad, painful or joyful - and it's never one or the other.)

The poems of Mary Oliver, in particular Wild Geese and In Blackwater Woods.  Plus Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye and many by Sharon Olds.

"Be grateful to everyone. ~ Others will always show you exactly where you are stuck.  They say or do something and you automatically get hooked into a familiar way of reacting - shutting down, speeding up, or getting all worked up.  When you react in the habitual way, with anger, greed, and so forth, it gives you a chance to see your patterns and work with them honestly and compassionately.  Without others provoking you, you remain ignorant of your painful habits and cannot train in transforming them into the path of awakening." - From the teachings of Pema Chodron

"Real security is not only being able to tolerate mystery, complexity, ambiguity, but hungering for them and only trusting a situation when they are present." - Eve Ensler from Insecure at Last.

And finally, laughter.  Cos you gotta have balance, even if most of the time, it feels like I'm falling off the beam.

A return to poetry

In the midst of NaNoWriMo, I got a sudden urge to sit somewhere quiet and sunlit and immerse myself in poetry.  It's been awhile.  The urge has actually been there for a long time, but I've mostly ignored it.  Then, while listlessly trying to up my word count, the urge got a bit rude and said, "Stop fannying about with this bullshit and go read a poem NOW."  I listened.  And discovered this one.  It was like being welcomed home.

The ordinary made weird and wonderful

I didn't want to neglect you entirely during my Nano expedition (it's going slowly, thanks for asking), so I thought I'd post up some weird and wonderful things I've stumbled across in the last few days...

I just love this song, especially the lyrics. 

David Lynch takes dental hygiene to a whole new level in the track Strange and Unproductive Thinking.

Then there's this volunteer snake catcher in the rai. (If my very rusty and basic Thai is correct, I believe rai is the Thai word for a field.)

Did you know there are graphic short stories?  I didn't until today.  The stunning graphic short story, Love In A Very Cold Climate by Isabel Greenberg, just about melted my heart.  (If you click on the link, her story starts on page 115 of the slide show / insert.)

And this flash, stunning in an entirely different way, just about broke it.

Enjoy...

Join the insanity

Having written a post about being busy and letting several "projects" fall by the wayside, those of you who know me will not be surprised that I have since decided to do Nanowrimo this month.

Yes, trying to write a 50,000 word novel in one month is insane under any circumstances. Trying to do so whilst wrangling a pre-schooler and also somehow trying to have a life is going to lead to even more sleep deprivation.  Yay!!  Fancy joining me?

In order to keep the insanity at manageable levels, I'm adopting the attitude of "Let's just see what happens."  If I manage to make even half the expected word count, I'll be happy.

Wish me luck!