26th December ~ 325 word diary

Something odd happened yesterday. There was a moment, while I was rolling out the spiced cookie dough, listening to Richard Hawley on 6music that I felt so happy and at peace, so all-is-right-with-the-world despite its many problems and grief, that I even exclaimed, “I LOVE Christmas!”

Because it’s traditionally been lonely and over-stressed, I’ve hated it for years. This has lessened with having Jake. There’s nothing like having a child to show you how to celebrate. But this was beyond that. This wasn’t just about family and the coming together of those magical elements that make up Christmas. This was about being in the moment, all day, and how those moments made up one simple, flowing gorgeous day. Listening to the Christmas songs I love, realising that the best ones are tinged with sadness, I felt how true happiness is not about banishing sadness or grief, but embracing it in that bittersweet way.

So it was somehow fitting that it was our last Christmas with our neighbours from across the road. They are leaving in January. E & her father are going to China for an indefinite period and E’s mother is staying in Kent, where she now works. They are leaving their London flat for good. We won’t have them as neighbours anymore. Jake won’t have his friend from across the road. They won’t be at nursery together. We won’t be able to look out our window and see their friendly faces waving back at us. They are a big part of why I love living here. And now, they’re leaving. So our time together yesterday was heightened, the way spices, sharp and hot on your tongue bring tears to your eyes but flavour to your tongue, all the way down to your heart. Just by being together, sharing food, laughter, watching our children play together. Holding the sadness in the midst of the happiness, holding them in each palm, just letting them be.



Taken by Jake



25th December ~ 100ish word diary with a bonus Christmas post

I was still in bed when I heard Jake rustling presents under the tree. Paul told him they were mine then went into the kitchen. The rustling continued. I came downstairs and found Jake clutching one of my gifts. “Got present for you Mummy!” he said. He was more thrilled when he saw he had presents too! On seeing the Duplo, “It’s BRICKS!” and the baseplates (one in each colour) immediately became trains. I got a moving story written by Paul, about an orphan doohickey named Theo who receives a present from his parents from beyond the grave. Santa dies in the process, but we won't focus on that. 

~

And now, a few more words. In the spirit of Christmas, I’m going to respond (briefly) to today’s reverb10 prompt. Especially since it’s not a bad one.

Photo.

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Prompt Author: Tracey Clark)

I’m posting this because it was taken by my 28 month old son. Judging by the length of these paragraphs, it’s only worth about 195 words, but why waffle on for a thousand when you can be more succinct. Anyway, I like it because I look genuinely happy and it’s one of those rare photos in which I don’t look hideous. I don’t think myself hideous, but I am not photogenic. I also like it because I like to think its how Jake sees me and that he has managed to capture it, in his simple toddler in-the-moment-joyful-authenticity.

It was about a week ago and we were in the kitchen. I was about to make lunch, he was on the counter rearranging my spice rack. I’d just snapped a photo of him and he asked for the camera. “Want take picture of Mummy, okay?” He held up the camera, smiled, said, “Say Cheese!” I couldn’t help but smile and he took it. So I also like the photo because it captures how he makes me feel. Happy, joyful, lucky to be alive, lucky to be part of his life, lucky to be his Mummy.

And on that note…Merry Christmas everyone. Love and peace to all.

Ahhhh, warmth and fuzziness

Our tree angel with natural halo ;-)

Our family on the tree, courtesy of Jake



Jake's "triangle" which looks to me very much like a xmas tree
So, a tree on the tree





Spot the cat



23rd December ~ 150 word diary (the one where Santa gets naked)

So Jake met Santa and didn’t freak out. When I went to collect him from nursery, Santa (who was Cockney and had an earring in one ear) was still there handing out presents. Jake watched him with a mixture of awe, confusion and suspicion. When I asked him what it was like meeting Santa, he thought about it and said very seriously, “Says ho ho ho that one. Ho ho ho.”

Today when he woke up crying, I showed Jake a lovely card we received entitled “Santa’s Full Monty.” Santa, Russian doll like, goes from being fully dressed to naked (with bits discretely covered) in four steps. It calmed him down but I now wonder what he must be thinking. Santa is a man who dresses up funny, hands out presents to children and also sometimes takes his clothes off. Oh dear. Good preparation for the world at large then.

22nd December ~ 100 word diary

Jake's at nursery right now!  They said he could stay for the afternoon because Santa’s popping in with presents for the children. UNEXPECTED FREE TIME!!!! I managed to get most of the groceries we need for xmas. I can now start baking THE cookies. I got a few treats for Jake and his friend E who’s coming over xmas day. And I found exactly what I was hoping we could get for Jake (megablocks and duplo to bump up his collection) in the charity shop for £4.50 (would cost upwards of £40 new). Oh dear. I’m getting excited about xmas!

What's this?

Today, Jake saw a picture of Santa Claus and asked me, “What’s this?” Inwardly, I panicked slightly. But then I remembered he’s still only 28 months old. So I answered, “Santa Claus” and with that he was satisfied.

Later, pushing him on the swings in the playground, I thought about what to say to him about Santa when he inevitably pops up again. “He brings you presents on xmas day if you are good,” just doesn’t sit well with me, not least because the one thing I don’t ever want to do to Jake is lie to him, not even about the small things. But I didn’t come up with anything better and pushed the worry aside for another day.

Then, some friends on facebook posted a link to this post on the blog Parenting beyond belief.

I like his point of view but I still can’t imagine myself pretending that Santa is real.  I can, however, present it as a story that a lot of people tell. I would do that about religious beliefs anyway, so why not Santa. And when he’s older, he can decide for himself whether to believe it or not. Is it so farfetched an approach anyway, given the many characters and stories, not least in advertising, that children are bombarded with these days? Why should Santa be any more real than Shrek?

Christmas

Enjoying Mummy's Chocolate Cinnamon Cake and the general festivities...

Christmas Eve

I love Christmas Eve.  When I was a child, we stayed up till midnight on Christmas Eve to open our presents.  To me, Christmas Eve was always the special day.  I think I still enjoy the anticipation and buzz of preparations better than the day itself.  Although, now that I have Jake, that may change, as I watch his little face when he gets to open his presents tomorrow.

Anyway, I spent the whole morning baking pepparkakor (traditional Swedish xmas cookies).  The recipe I found did not state how many cookies it would make.  I was bloody surprised when I realised I could turn out at least 75 of them, and still had a bit of dough left over for Jake to play with.

The dough had to be rolled really thin, so lifting the star shaped cookies off the counter to place on the baking tray was like helping exhausted star fish get up from the scene of an accident.  I'm happy to report that most of them made it.  I only burned one batch.