9.12.09

I put our beloved fake tree up with Jake this morning and was very impressed that he instinctively knew what to do with the tinsel. I now feel slightly better. Just need to get baubles that don’t hang with giant safety pins. Have also decided to buy charity xmas cards. The handmade recipients will receive an additional new year’s art print – after all the xmas fatigue and just as post-glutton depression sets in. It’s not ba humbug – it’s a reality check. Unless I can make my lame design look a little less "mental institution art therapy" and more “outsider art”.

8/100

8.12.09

We’ve already received our first xmas card!!! Instead of sending cards, I made tomato and cheese muffins; took Jake to the playground; watched the simple joy of him throwing and retrieving his ball. I let him walk part of the way home until he was lured by the road. I only have pockets of time to snatch to do anything on top of being a mother. I won’t even have the weekend to catch up as we’re away. Such stress! I blame the adverts. Must remember what really matters about xmas - Jake’s little happy face. Everything else can wait.

7/100

Outgrown baby shoes
(bottom drawing semi blind-contour)

7.12.09

So far I’ve written a week’s worth of lunch and dinner ideas for Jake. This is an accomplishment. I made tuna and chickpea spread on wholemeal muffins and he ate one. Another accomplishment. Now the weekend is over, I’m left with a gnawing sense of anxiety. For spending so much time doing something for myself? As if I should always be labouring under some responsibility and suffering for it. I was not brought up to enjoy life. Fun was considered immoral. Only now, in retirement, do my parents tell me that all they want is for me to be happy.

6/100

6.12.09

Flooded with ideas today – starting a family xmas tradition of making a snowflake or ornament for the tree, covering the windows in snowflakes, elaborate plans for a play town for Jake, making a list of other 100 day projects that can be done, wanting to transfer my blog to wordpress. And still need to make the cards I’ve been planning for two weeks, do Jake’s foot and handprints, do today’s drawing, go to Ryman’s and get a laminator, try and track down some sugar paper, make a decision about pressies, get out of my pj’s and go to the loo.


[NB. I'm living proof that having a zillion ideas does not equal getting them all done.  Especially not in one fricking day!  At least I got to go to the loo and out of my pj's.]

5/100

5.12.09

After a week of short naps, Jake finally had a long one, a whole two hours. Good timing too since he woke up at 7:30 and Paul was frazzled. While they both slept, I drew and made pancakes. The quiet felt peaceful, as if it was all around us, outside too. I’d shaken off the emotional heaviness I’d woken up with and got back to yoga today. It felt tough, my wrist is still hurting, but by the end of it, I felt as good as I always do. I even managed a headstand – my first ever – with Hayley’s help.

4/100

When all else fails, bake something

Especially when it makes your flat smell lovely...

Vegan banana bread.

4.12.09

Bad shit: crappy crappy mood. Wrist still painful. Falling down the stairs, twice. Bruised and sore arse. Snapping and shouting at Jake. Toddler tantrums. Feeling forgotten by certain friends.
Good shit: baking banana bread, magic grandma with playground bubbles, watching Jake chase bubbles, shouting, “Bubbles” all afternoon. Jake smiling at me. Jake handing me a legless zombie. Jake resting his head on my shoulder as we watch “Come Outside” together. Fab forum friends coming to the rescue yet again. Knowing a few people are actually checking this blog from time to time. Friday afternoon already and good shit outweighing bad.

3/100

3.12.09

After yesterday, today can only be better. And so far, it is. I’m making a play town out of a cardboard box for Jake’s cars and he’s helping. He’s much happier today and went down for his nap with a lot less crying. And he made me ridiculously happy and proud when (of his own accord) he picked up my empty breakfast plate and mug from the floor and placed them tidily on the dining table, the top of which he can’t even see and can barely reach. Now I just need to cook him something he’ll want for lunch.

2/100

I miss breastfeeding.  I know Jake had a good run but there are times, like yesterday when he cried almost non-stop due to teething pain, that I wish I could just pop him on the boob like the good ole days. 

It's only been a few months since I had to stop but already I'm forgetting what it felt like.  I know I used to complain cos Jake literally took hours to feed and for the first 13 months of his life took all his daytime naps on me, as I never minded him sleepfeeding in the least.  I miss those snuggly times now, even though my arse doesn't.  Apart from the first few weeks, breastfeeding was relatively easy for me.  I know I'm one of the lucky ones, but it was all down to Jake.  He latched on within an hour after he was born and that was that. 

2.12.09

No matter what, I can’t seem to avoid having at least one bad week a month. No matter how positive or happy I might be feeling, it always hits, it’s always hell and I’m always plagued by the same feelings – starting with vague dissatisfaction and grumpiness to feeling drained to varying degrees of irritability, anger and kicking myself in the head. The same old tired annoying voices – I’m so pathetic, my life sucks, nobody cares, nothing I do matters. CRAP. I have no armour for it. All I can do is hold my breath and hope I come up swimming.

1/100

So here it is, my first drawing for the 100 Days Project.  Clearly these are not going to be masterpieces.  I've decided to keep to the same format for the drawings, doing each one on a page of my 12cm x 16cm kraft paper book from Paperchase. 

1.12.09

I nearly had a meltdown in the 99p store. Jake was crying, queue was endless, people were rude. I wanted to fling the polystyrene plates and sponges on the floor and walk out. But I didn’t. Instead, the cashier dropped my change and didn’t help me pick it up. Then my wallet and bags fell on the ground outside and I had to take Jake out of the pram he was so upset. Thankfully, a croissant calmed him, we found poster paints, and I signed up to do a drawing every day for the hundred days project. I am insane.

One Hundred Days

I've just signed up to this: http://www.hundreddays.net/

The idea is to commit to doing one thing a day for 100 days to make you a better person, starting from today, 1st December.

I don't really need to add something else to my to do list, but I couldn't resist.  At first I was going to pledge to write 100 words a day, but I was already doing that and I don't know how it would make me a better person.  So I've pledged to do a drawing every day and give it away.*  Obviously they are not going to be masterpieces, but I'll post them up and whoever is reading is very welcome to ask for whichever drawing they so fancy.  If there are no takers I'll choose one of my friends / family at random and send it to them. but I will be focussing on the process as much as the end result.

So what do you think?  Fancy it?  There's still time to sign up!

*EDIT* - As of 2nd December, I've decided not to give away my drawings.  It seems kind of pointless to give away drawings that might not be wanted, especially as hardly anyone reads my blog and hardly anyone is bothered about my doing this project anyway.  Doing a drawing every day for 100 days will be character building (and challenging) enough.  It also takes the pressure off a bit - that way I can draw for myself and not with the feeling that I have to draw something that someone might like.  I hope it doesn't sound like a cop out, if it does - please feel free to tell me so. 

30.11.09

Jake had his ileal loopogram today. The contrast went all the way through this time and everything looked normal but he sobbed through it. It was cold and he could only wear an open gown and his socks and it got messy. He was probably more frightened, cold and tired than in pain but he cried for awhile even after it was over. He looked so small on that table. He wanted me to hold him today. When he’s scared he wants me. I’m so grateful I’m not working right now. I can be there for him every single day.