Monday, December 07, 2009


So far I’ve written a week’s worth of lunch and dinner ideas for Jake. This is an accomplishment. I made tuna and chickpea spread on wholemeal muffins and he ate one. Another accomplishment. Now the weekend is over, I’m left with a gnawing sense of anxiety. For spending so much time doing something for myself? As if I should always be labouring under some responsibility and suffering for it. I was not brought up to enjoy life. Fun was considered immoral. Only now, in retirement, do my parents tell me that all they want is for me to be happy.


Glovecat said...

Wow, I can COMPLETELY relate to this anxiety you write about. I too was raised with a very strong work ethic and now find myself needing to continually ACHIEVE, and I feel guilty when I am not doing anything "productive" - as though relaxing or doing something for myself were not acceptable, or indeed, NECESSARY! Now I try to trick myself into doing enjoyable things by putting them on my list of things to do! So amongst the other important things like doing the accounts, or whatever, I now put "go for a walk" or "practise violin" - it's so stupid - I'm a self-employed musician, so surely practising my violin is AS important as the accounts. Yet it always seems like practising the violin or going for a walk are too pleasant to be allowed! Argh! We must free ourselves from this madness...


Beth said...

Until relatively recently, I never really realised that feeling like this was unusual. My feelings of inadequacy about having parents who live in a show home and never stop doing sensible, worthwhile things and never stop getting at me about things I'm (not) doing ... I thought most people didn't live up to their parents expectations and felt constantly anxious as a result.

It's nice to find some people who feel the same, although I'm sorry that you do feel the same, because it's horrible.

Maybe I shouldn't be doing my list at all, but just be happy to live amongst the chaos ;)