Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I wish

I wish I wasn’t such a control freak. I wish that I wasn’t so easily wound up. I wish I was fitter. I wish I hadn’t regained my bacon belly after breastfeeding Jake made such good use of my extra blubber. I wish I hadn’t bought so many frumpy dull clothes when I was still earning my own money. I wish I didn’t have pillow-neck issues. I wish I didn’t look in the mirror and feel stricken about looking more like my mother every day. I wish my mother had been happier to be a mother. I wish she hadn’t lost both her parents when she was so young. I wish our kitchen window wasn’t so hard to open. I wish I was more into fruit. I wish we didn’t have a carpet in our bathroom. I wish we had our old garden rather than the long, thin, spider-trap that we have now. I wish my family lived nearby, or at least in the same country as me. I wish we were getting ready to move in with dear friends in a house in the beautiful Italian countryside. I wish doing something like that was even a realistic option. I wish I could pluck pockets of time out of thin air so I could give more of it to everybody. I wish I could write like my friend Jo. I wish I could be the sort of woman who can crochet exquisite baby booties and blankets and anything out of stunning organic wool and bake effortlessly for a family of four and be able to cope with having more than one child and still have enough time for myself without feeling like a permanent grouch. I wish the bit between my shoulder blades would stop aching all the bloody time. I wish I had better impulse control when it comes to buying shoes. I wish nursery hadn’t pressured me to start potty training Jake this month and I wish I’d found somewhere that didn’t have a problem with him not being potty trained by the time he’s three. I wish I didn’t hate talking on the phone. I wish I didn’t feel so guilty about everything. I wish we had a modern toilet with a flush I didn't have to pull. I wish veggie bacon tasted as good as the real thing. I wish I could do a full bridge pose. I wish, I wish, I wish.

But what’s the point? Like my yoga teacher says, wishing we could do more with our bodies doesn’t make it happen. We have to work with what we’ve got. It’s not just zen Buddhist philosophy, it’s a FACT. I am who I am. Life is what it is. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever change or it won’t ever change, but dwelling in the wishing is like weighing my pockets down with stones, walking into the sea and wondering why I’m sinking. Being aware of this doesn’t always make it easier to let go. But if I don’t, then how will I ever float?


Anonymous said...

There will always be aspects of ourselves that we would like to change but we should also be careful what we wish for! I'm sure you're beautiful, happy and content just the way you are.

CJ xx


Your and your yoga teacher's conclusion is right, though... I like that conclusion.
And you are really fab as the you that you are - otherwise I wouldn't miss being able to hang out with you like in my London days, but I do! (Even just the other day I was saying to mr M that I wished I could go to London for the weekend and just hang out with you and go draw pictures in the British Museum together!).

My Mum was convinced that she couldn't float. On the last day of one of her recent holidays here, before going to the airport, we took her to the beach and there was time for a swim. I told her she could float. She didn't believe me. All stressed and irrate and everything. Almost as if I would have let her drown, which I pointed out to her, and it became my winning argument (just by wearing her down with insitance) - I wouldn't have let her drown, so she could at least try floating. Or go on in life convinced that she wasn't able to. In the end, after nearly half an hour of freaking out, and with me holding my arms in the water-filled space in the sea below her, I explained what to do, about filling your lungs with air, holding your breath, and she tried, and it worked. Cue shrieks of happiness and incredulity (do you say that in English?) and lots more floating. Then it started to rain mad summer rain on the sea around us - a kind of firework (water-style) celebration.

You are much better at floating than you could even dream.

I wish you were moving into a house in the Italian countryside with dear friends too.... one day? Fingers crossed! xxx

Glovecat said...

You are working towards making (at least SOME of) your wishes come true. These things take time!

Anonymous said...

I wish I could write like my friend Heartful. And I wish I could see more of her. xxx