Wednesday, August 18, 2010
18.8.10 ~ Handle with care (650 word diary)
At the end of my session, my counsellor said, “Make sure you do something nice for yourself today.” It’s the first time she’s said it and it might give you some clue as to how things went.
She’s really good. Very good. Even with my knowledge of how important this process is to me, even with my relative trust in her, I still go in with my defences up and every time she gently knocks them down, it surprises me. That she sees me. And I cry. Sometimes I cry very hard. And I leave thinking – what more can there be? And there’s always more. I cried very very hard today. Then I had to go pick Jake up from nursery. I always feel like I have to take time to compose myself before I do, but really, I shouldn’t worry, because as soon as I see him, he takes me to another place.
Today, he ran up the High Street, going in and out of shops that had their doors open and pressing his face up against the window pane and making faces. I tried to tell him to stop but it’s hard to be convincing when you’re laughing so much. Then we went into my the Portugese restaurant and I ordered myself some cod fishcakes to go. Their cod fishcakes are divine. The best I’ve ever tasted. This was treat number one for me. While we waited for them, Jake and I shared a smoothie as he bounced up and down on my lap, grinning like a cheeky monkey. Then we went into Sainsbury’s where I bought grapes, sausages, and cakes. A slice of New York Cheesecake, a lemon cupcake and a chocolate cupcake. Doctor’s orders!! Then we went to the playground and sang our own versions of Row Row Row your boat before I persuaded him it was time to go home because I was knackered.
None of us slept very well last night. Jake kept waking up and crying and the air was just spiky. And I still have my headache. I felt raw and needed a rest. He came happily. I put Show Me, Show Me on for him while I went to sort out the bathroom rug that had come out of the wash sopping wet despite several spins. I wrung as much water out as I could but knew I had to dry it on the line outside. Jake saw me going down the stairs to the garden and I asked him to stay put. Those stairs are scary even for me. So I asked him to stay.
I got to the bottom, opened the door and within seconds, I heard him scream. I turned and saw him fall. I saw him topple and hit several steps. His back was to me and he landed on his bum and stopped. I screamed his name and ran towards him. His fall had been stopped by a cardboard box near the bottom of the stairs. If it hadn’t been there and he’d fallen all the way to the bottom, he would have hit concrete.
He was fine. He was shocked, crying and shaking, but otherwise fine. I held him as he cried and told him it was okay but also never to do that again. I’m not sure who was more shaken, him or me. After, we sat on the sofa together, eating biscuits, holding each other. And then he fell asleep in my arms.
All I want to do now is sleep for a few days. Sleep and eat cake. My heart’s been ripped out of my chest a few times too many today. And yet. And yet. I notice that I’m feeling a little less numb than yesterday. Just a little bit.
I have to go now. Jake is calling me to sit down and blow bubbles with him into his water cup.