Thursday, January 20, 2011

January 20th ~ a stone

An observation from this morning.  A painful one.
~
what happens when you're an angry mother

Jake makes a missile of his plastic syringe, throwing it at me from the top of the stairs. I look up and see. His face full of hurt. Something inside me says, let him be, enough yelling. But an old voice, familiar and strong, shouts in two voices. “That’s it, no more syringes for you!” (out loud) and “you have to teach him a lesson” (inside my head). And though I stomp up the stairs and throw the syringe in the sink, I feel small for being the person I hate. Jake watches me and puts his fingers in his mouth. His face sets in determination. He does not want to do as I say. For a moment, I want to make him, knowing I can make him. Then I look at him with the tiny scratch on his forehead and see in his eyes how I tower over him with my angry face. I feel punched by shame and drop down to my knees. I want to climb into him, making his face my face, his determination my determination. Make my shame her shame. Wishing I’d had the power to turn off her angry face. I say sorry to my son and we hug. I kiss the scratch on his forehead. He says, “I sorry shouting too Mummy.” I hold him close. “You have nothing to be sorry for Jake. Nothing. This isn’t your fault.” But he says sorry again. And I cry, wondering what has been done.

~

Damn this hurts.

6 comments:

Sam Pennington said...

Oh Heartful... Been there, done that so many times... And in the tearful aftermath of each time, I apologise to my children and promise myself I'll never loose my temper again. But it's very hard to ignore the voice that hammers in your ears that they shouldn't behave like this, that you must take charge, that you must YELL!!! I often think if I had to watch a film of myself in full-flow, I'd probably shoot myself. I have a nasty tendancy to be sarcastic. My dad was horribly so towards me, and I often stop and see myself behaving the same way towards my boys. But when you're tired, its so easy to let go and let rip.. Sending you a virtual 'harrassed mother' hug xx

said...

...don't forget - you are you, you are not her...
don't be hard on yourself.
there are those moments when none of us react how we'd like, but there are other moments when we do, yet we often overlook them with ease. remember them too.
x

Heartful said...

Thank you both. It means a lot x

Carrie Martinez said...

Also sending you a big hug from a mama who has walked that road before. Being a full-time mom of two young boys while starting a home-business has at times pushed me to my limits, but I did what you did and showed my sons that I may make mistakes (who doesn't?) but I can admit that I am not perfect and make sure they know that I love them. A rule in my house is "Always tell the truth, and don't be afraid to admit when you make a mistake." That is a great life lesson. May we embrace patience and wisdom to be the best mothers we can!!

Elizabeth Marie said...

So painful. I've been there. I don't know if this will help, but even though my girl and I had a few of these moments when she was little, even if she DOES remember, she laughs about them now. She looks at me as I am now and can't equate "angry Mommy" with "Relaxed Mom." This passes. I know a lot of people make parents with young kids fear the teen years, but I love these years, loved her as toddler, but am relieved she has become what she has become, this gorgeous, passionate, creative, open hearted person. Your raw honesty is so beautiful.

Glovecat said...

Made me cry. Well done for breaking the ingrained pattern - very difficult. Brave woman! X