This morning I got angry over the stupidest things. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I wasn’t able to control my irritation. It resulted in me shouting at Jake because we were late taking him to nursery and he refused to leave the house and carried on playing with his leapfrog books which I’d asked him to put away. I was also swearing and muttering under my breath. At one point I muttered, “If you don’t go to nursery I’m going to go crazy and kill myself.” It made me stop. And think about what I’d said. It shocked me. The power of those words. How damaging they could be, if he’d understood them. Taking the blame for my crap. He may not have understood the words but he’s sensitive enough to pick up on the bad feelings I was giving out. It made me think of myself as a child, confronted by my angry mother. I know that beating myself up doesn’t help, but in that moment, I did not know what else to do. Forgive myself for saying and thinking and feeling such a thing? How could I?
When I told him we were going to nursery he said No! and turned his face away. I had to tell him we were going there because I didn’t want to lie on top of everything else and then have to see him upset when he realised the truth. On the way there, knowing I couldn’t leave him like this, I stopped and apologised for shouting. I told him it wasn’t his fault, that I was in a bad mood, and I kissed him. I don’t know what he made of it. When we got to the nursery, he cried and said No! and clung to me. It may have happened anyway, but it felt like it was my fault, because I’d been angry and mean to him. Because I’d dragged him out of the house angry when all he wanted to do was play. What if he felt he was being punished by being left there? It made me even angrier because I don’t want to hurt him but in moments like that, I feel so powerless.
Later I realised where the anger was coming from from. Leaking out of old wounds, unspoken, unresolved crap that should have been screamed out of me years ago. Years worth of them. I can blame the counselling, the agonising excavation that is bringing this raw pain to light. But it’s been going on for a long time, so long it's become a habit, a way of being. I want to change, I think I am trying to change, but for now, knowing this doesn’t change the fact that it’s bloody hard to live with. Even harder when I know it hurts the people around me.