19 & 20 June 2010
I’ve been feeling depressed all weekend. If I’m honest, it’s been a throbbing vein beneath the surface of everything for a long time. Sometimes it’s worse than others. Sometimes I’m barely aware of it, sometimes I break through and breathe what feels like new air and everything seems more than fine. But most of the time, I’ve been drowning under waves of anger, bitterness, resentment – old and new, fresh and foetid – waves with ferocity and power that can last for weeks at a time, months even. I lose perspective, I lose a clear sense of myself and others, and disappear.
Today I exploded over nothing. It was horrific. I cried for hours then crawled under the duvet and stared into space, only rousing myself if I heard Jake ask for me. Otherwise, nothing existed except telling myself to let go. It started off as raging, then giving up, but then became letting go. In those hours, something kicked in, some survival mechanism, some small voice that made me realise that I’d been allowing all that anger, bitterness and resentment to consume me. And I can’t let it. I have a choice. It’s taken me a long time to see it.